Hey I just thought there HAD to be a mandatory Collingwood jokes thread here somewhere.
Here is a goodie:
A Collingwood supporter dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St Kilda scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "
"You heard. No Collingwood fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well, says the guy, three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
" Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eyes and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now PISS OFF!"
Collingwood Jokes
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mbogo
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Collingwood Jokes
This is a team game and there is no room for individuals who think they are above walking through the fire.
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ChicagoSaint
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Re: Collingwood Jokes
GOLDmbogo wrote:Hey I just thought there HAD to be a mandatory Collingwood jokes thread here somewhere.
Here is a goodie:
A Collingwood supporter dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St Kilda scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "
"You heard. No Collingwood fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well, says the guy, three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
" Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eyes and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now PISS OFF!"
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Banger2Plugger
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Two men of jewish faith walked into the Collingwood membership office and ask to buy season tickets.
The Lady behind the counter asks, "Are you circumcised?"
The gentlemen reply "Yes, of course!"
To which she replies,
"I'm sorry gentlemen, but you have to be a complete dick to be a Collingwood supporter…â€
The Lady behind the counter asks, "Are you circumcised?"
The gentlemen reply "Yes, of course!"
To which she replies,
"I'm sorry gentlemen, but you have to be a complete dick to be a Collingwood supporter…â€
If everyone speeds, why haven't you been overtaken?
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ChicagoSaint
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[quote="Banger2Plugger"]Two men of jewish faith walked into the Collingwood membership office and ask to buy season tickets.
The Lady behind the counter asks, "Are you circumcised?"
The gentlemen reply "Yes, of course!"
To which she replies,
"I'm sorry gentlemen, but you have to be a complete dick to be a Collingwood supporter…â€
The Lady behind the counter asks, "Are you circumcised?"
The gentlemen reply "Yes, of course!"
To which she replies,
"I'm sorry gentlemen, but you have to be a complete dick to be a Collingwood supporter…â€
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ChicagoSaint
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FortiusQuoFidelius
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OneEyedSainter77
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ChicagoSaint
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Nine year old Collingwood supporter is standing on the corner of Grey Street at 4am Sunday morning after The Pies have lost to The Saints in the 2010 Grand Final.
An unsuspecting Policeman walks up to the lonesome young boy and asks what he is doing at 4am unsupervised and scantly clad on a cold Melbourne street corner to which the boy replys
I'm looking for a whore Officer
Why do you want a Whore? asks the Policeman
So I can get an STD
Why do you want an STD young man?
When I get an STD I can bang the babysitter and she'll get it, then she'll bang Dad and he'll get it, then he'll bang Mum and she'll get it, then Mum'll bang the Gardner and he'll get it, and that Gardner is the guy I want to get because he took ten marks, had twenty possessions at 100% efficiency and kicked four goals.
An unsuspecting Policeman walks up to the lonesome young boy and asks what he is doing at 4am unsupervised and scantly clad on a cold Melbourne street corner to which the boy replys
I'm looking for a whore Officer
Why do you want a Whore? asks the Policeman
So I can get an STD
Why do you want an STD young man?
When I get an STD I can bang the babysitter and she'll get it, then she'll bang Dad and he'll get it, then he'll bang Mum and she'll get it, then Mum'll bang the Gardner and he'll get it, and that Gardner is the guy I want to get because he took ten marks, had twenty possessions at 100% efficiency and kicked four goals.
We have a winner.ChicagoSaint wrote:Nine year old Collingwood supporter is standing on the corner of Grey Street at 4am Sunday morning after The Pies have lost to The Saints in the 2010 Grand Final.
An unsuspecting Policeman walks up to the lonesome young boy and asks what he is doing at 4am unsupervised and scantly clad on a cold Melbourne street corner to which the boy replys
I'm looking for a whore Officer
Why do you want a Whore? asks the Policeman
So I can get an STD
Why do you want an STD young man?
When I get an STD I can bang the babysitter and she'll get it, then she'll bang Dad and he'll get it, then he'll bang Mum and she'll get it, then Mum'll bang the Gardner and he'll get it, and that Gardner is the guy I want to get because he took ten marks, had twenty possessions at 100% efficiency and kicked four goals.
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OneEyedSainter77
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Yep, I especially love the twist on the classic joke. Well done!#1GILL wrote:We have a winner.ChicagoSaint wrote:Nine year old Collingwood supporter is standing on the corner of Grey Street at 4am Sunday morning after The Pies have lost to The Saints in the 2010 Grand Final.
An unsuspecting Policeman walks up to the lonesome young boy and asks what he is doing at 4am unsupervised and scantly clad on a cold Melbourne street corner to which the boy replys
I'm looking for a whore Officer
Why do you want a Whore? asks the Policeman
So I can get an STD
Why do you want an STD young man?
When I get an STD I can bang the babysitter and she'll get it, then she'll bang Dad and he'll get it, then he'll bang Mum and she'll get it, then Mum'll bang the Gardner and he'll get it, and that Gardner is the guy I want to get because he took ten marks, had twenty possessions at 100% efficiency and kicked four goals.
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StPeter
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Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.
Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.
You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1 A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.
Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.
You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1 A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
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Furphy
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Two Collingwood supporters were climbing the wall at the MCG on grand final eve to sneak in for free. When they got to the top of the wall, they saw the drop was too high to jump. One took out a pocket torch & said to the other, "I have an idea, I'll turn on the torch & you can climb down the beam, fetch a ladder and let me get in" The other said "how stupid do you think I am? Everyone knows you'll turn the torch off when I'm half way down!"
