The AFL, the most corrupt organisation in the AFL

[Armoooo]

Hey I just finished my first draft of my english speech on ^^^

If any of you can be bothered reading it feel free, I wouldn't mind some feedback

The AFL is the biggest sporting organisation in Australia, every year they have a multi-billion dollar turn over and they are the second most attended sporting league in the planet. Although they seem like such a well run and great Australian organisation they are one of if not the most corrupt organisations in the country. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to see just how corrupt Andrew “Dimwit’ Demetriou and his little lap dog Adrian Anderson have turned the AFL into since gaining power in 2001.
The last time a Victorian team won a premiership was Essendon in 2000 and it is no co-incidence that no Victorian team has won one since this fraudulent new régime kicked in. Upon their arrival to the AFL headquarters one of their first initiatives was to try and develop the game all around the country. In doing so they recognized Queensland and New South Wales as key growth areas and what are the odds that the two teams from those two states would go on in play in the next 6 grand finals resulting in 4 premierships, 3 to Brisbane and 1 to Sydney. By AFL rules every team bust abide to a salary cap, which is meant to keep the league even and competitive, by putting a cap on the amount you can pay your players this prevents the richest team winning premiership after premiership just due to their wealth like what happens in European soccer. Even though this is a great initiative and it has ensured that 10 out of the 16 clubs have won atleast one flag since 1990 it only works if the salary cap is the same for each team. The AFL have allowed all non-Victorian teams to have a higher salary cap than the Victorian teams for what they claim to be “Higher Living Expensesâ€

[plugger66]

Actually onlt Sydney and Brisbane got more money in salary cap and that has no changed to where you get more money only if you have a certain amount of players from interstate on your list so you better alter that to make that part correct if you want it factual.

[CarlosA]

This is pointless.

None of you will actually do anythign about it. You will still attend the game thsi weekend putting more money into the AFL coffers.

Try boycotting it first fools.

[Unforgiven]

This is pointless.

None of you will actually do anythign about it. You will still attend the game thsi weekend putting more money into the AFL coffers.

Try boycotting it first fools.

Doesnt that hurt the club more than the AFL?

[plugger66]

This is pointless.

None of you will actually do anythign about it. You will still attend the game thsi weekend putting more money into the AFL coffers.

Try boycotting it first fools.

Doesnt that hurt the club more than the AFL?

Dont listen to him. He hates Aussie Rules. He is a soccer person who just stirs the pot.

[Oh When the Saints]

Sounds pretty good.

I'm not sure how long it is ... maybe you could talk about the draw being unequal, and about the umpiring -- the "whispers in the sky" stuff ...

You could even talk about the draw in Tassie last year.


Good luck.

[plugger66]

Why dont you title it the AFL hate the Saints. we always get picked on.

[TimeToShineFellas]

the AFL believed that Amon Buchanon only deserved one week off for his identical bump on the first year Irish import Martin Clark

Kind of incorrect........... 3 weeks originally - 1 week with the early plea - and I would have taken it too!

[CarlosA]

I don't hate the saints I hate the AFL and what the game has become.

[plugger66]

the AFL believed that Amon Buchanon only deserved one week off for his identical bump on the first year Irish import Martin Clark

Kind of incorrect........... 3 weeks originally - 1 week with the early plea - and I would have taken it too!

That is right. That is what people have to see. What they originally get not what they end up with.

[woooosaints]

armo i guarantee your gonna get beat up after school

[saint66au]

Whay year are you in Armooo??

Some of your sentences are breathtakingly long.

You need to break it up into a lot more paragraphs

Dont start sentences with "But" or "And"

using "....." as punctuation might be OK on MySpace but it wont cut the mustard with your English teacher Id hope.

[Otiman]

Hey I just finished my first draft of my english speech on ^^^

WALL OF TEXT

Seriously, shorter sentences, and break up your paragraphs. Not meaning to sound nasty, but teachers hate that kind of stuff. if you structure your essay nicely that's 90% of the marks i reckon.

Edit: Obviously I failed at comprehension, because it's a speech!

[Riewoldting]

Is Soapbox Ranting a VCE subject these days?

[terry smith rules]

thank goodness someone else mentioned paragraphs, my eyes went all watery wading through that lot.

mate I think you need to have a bex and a good lie down.

if you want to talk conspiracy, look no further than the draw where easily the most favoured teams are your own victorian carl, coll and ess.

god love bakes, but he does have a record and that has to count for something unfortunately.

[yipper]

Whay year are you in Armooo??

Some of your sentences are breathtakingly long.

You need to break it up into a lot more paragraphs

Dont start sentences with "But" or "And"

using "....." as punctuation might be OK on MySpace but it wont cut the mustard with your English teacher Id hope.

I seriously doubt it!! Teachers?? In Victoria?? You'd be lucky any of them can actually spell - let alone be able to punctuate!!

[saintspremiers]

Whay year are you in Armooo??

Some of your sentences are breathtakingly long.

You need to break it up into a lot more paragraphs

Dont start sentences with "But" or "And"

using "....." as punctuation might be OK on MySpace but it wont cut the mustard with your English teacher Id hope.

I'm with you on this one.

When I saw the layout of the post I didn't bother reading it.

Re-post it in a decent layout perhaps and I'll read it....

[cowboy18]

The title set off a couple of warning bells for me!

[Dis Believer]

Firstly, it's tribunal - there is no "e" in the word.

Secondly, I am guessing your age at about 14 or so. You structure is typical of that age, where you refer to certain pieces of information in a way that assumes the reader (or listener) is fully familiar with the topic.

Thirdly, I would suggest you don't use forum based nicknames (generally not very complimentary ones) such as dimwit - very much an "in-joke" for on-line fottball communities.

Lastly, the title. Re-read it to yourself. I would suggest phrasing it as a question "The AFL, a great organisation or the most corrupt sports administration in Australia?"

Seriously punctuate - it structures how the text is supposed to be read. If you read like you write it will be one long sentence.

[Prodgers]

not only did he say it was a 'First' draft, its also a speech - no one else is going to see it but him. I'd say it's a pretty good first draft.

[stinger]

you need so of these .........................

[st_Trav_ofWA]

Is Soapbox Ranting a VCE subject these days?

rogerfox B4E joffaboy & teflon majored in it

[Armoooo]

Thanks for the feedback guys I will take it into consideration when re-writing, I just had a look over it then and realised that some of the sentances are far to long for an essay but seeing as it is a speech I would be able to get away with more however I still feel that they should be shortened just a bit.... as for the english and that I didn't really go crazy with proof reading or anything like that because I don't have to hand anything in, I am hoping that I can win over the teacher with my passion

[midas_touch]

Pretty good speech Armoooo. Here are some points which might be of assistance to u.

- As others have indicated, u need to shorten your sentences, plus u missed some punctuation, such as question marks.

- I'd also consider talking about the tanking issue and the drugs policy, provided that u don't exceed the speech limit by including them.

- You might want to include a rebuttal, where u counteract a point which opposes your argument. For example something like "And you may be wondering whats the point of us complaining about the corruptness of the AFL. Well its because, as supporters, we are indeed the lifeblood and driving force behind the AFL. They therefore face possible alienation by the very people they are serving if their conspiring activities continue to persist, etc....."

-In your conclusion, u should sum up all the points u have made in the body of the speech.

- In addition, you might wanna come to the speech in Saints gear to add to the emotive impact of your speech. It will add to the effect that u are genuinely unhappy about the AFL.

Good luck .

[evertonfc]

Whay year are you in Armooo??

Some of your sentences are breathtakingly long.

You need to break it up into a lot more paragraphs

Dont start sentences with "But" or "And"

using "....." as punctuation might be OK on MySpace but it wont cut the mustard with your English teacher Id hope.

I'm with you on this one.

When I saw the layout of the post I didn't bother reading it.

Re-post it in a decent layout perhaps and I'll read it....

Agreed.

I'm no grammar Nazi, but why can't people make a basic effort?

I feel that if you can't respect everyone else enough to make a basic effort to clean up your posts, why should we respect what you have to say?

And no offence, but if I was your English teacher, unless you were in year seven (which you may well be), I'd be tempted to slit my wrists that one of my students was producing work like that.

You've spelled Jason Roe's name spelled inconsistently, you call the CEO of a respected organisation a "Dimwit" and have labelled them "corrupt" - all in the matter of one paragraph.

I'm not having a go at you kid, but pull your socks up and have a real crack at it - you'll get a better mark, your teacher will respect you and you might even learn a thing or two about sentence construction and refining arguments along the way.

And then, you'll be able to post it on your MySpace how much you enjoyed bagging out the AFL, and how you got a good score for it.