BACKGROUND
The AFL’s educational programs for players around the critical issues of violence, sexual protocols and public interaction have clearly failed to effect any improvement in player behaviours. In particular “Mad Monday” has proven to be a public relations nightmare. It is recommended the AFL switch from a “Re-education” approach to a “Containment and Elimination” model.
RECOMMENDATION
Implement a “Hunger games” style tournament during the “Mad Monday” weekend (perhaps called “Hungry Games” with Kevin Bartlett presenting). Clubs not partaking in the finals will be required to nominate 3 players they consider the highest risk of unsocial activities. These players can be easily identified as they are referred to by their teammates as “Dickheads”, “Tosspots” or “a real character”. St Kilda and Brisbane have already nominated Clinton Jones and Daniel Rich respectively.
The players enter Etihad stadium and the exits are sealed. Unlimited alcohol and recreational drugs will be made available (please note that players will be tested for performance enhancing drugs as this is frowned upon by the AFL). There will be stockpiles of dangerous items liberally dotted around the stadium such as lighters, chainsaws, baseball bats, wheelchairs, cross-bows, blowtorches, swords, mace and condoms (it is assumed many players with an alcohol fuelled libido will take a “have to do” approach towards other players).
Set up on the oval will be risky activities such as coal walking, bonfires, climbing walls, fight cages, archery targets and hotted up cars. Over the PA regular announcements will encourage players to do what they do best i.e. act like drunken dangerous morons. For example:
Based on history when players with such poor judgement are around alcohol, dangerous items and risky activities, and there are no sensible minded people around to help them show basic life-preserving sense, the majority of players should be “eliminated” within 2 hours. The last remaining player will be crowned “King d**khead” and become Sam Newman’s replacement on the “Footy Show”. “A1 Pest Exterminators” have shown interest in being the tournaments main sponsor.“Bet no one’s got the guts to jump off the level 3 grandstand”
“I reckon Jonesy could take you in a sword fight Richy”
“A slab to anyone who can juggle 3 chainsaws”
Whilst there may be some resistance from the public around “eliminating” players, our research has shown they soon realise “it would have happened sooner or later”. Plus 100% of those surveyed indicated they would thoroughly enjoy watching belligerent over-paid idiotic footballers harassing, attacking, burning and sexually assaulting each other rather than the general public. It was noted with some distaste that 95% of those surveyed suggested including the AFL executive and umpires in the tournament.
and despise the Pies, the Blues, and the Injectors.